My child BITES! What do I do???

Yes, this is a true statement in our family! My daughter, who is 19 months, loves to BITE!  When she is upset or frustrated, watch out!  Our son, who is now 3 and 1/2 never had this "agenda" to bite.  This is ALL new for us as parents to deal with, and may I say, it is a hard thing to break a young child of doing.

You are not alone parents!  I will give you a few different simple techniques and tips to help your child learn that biting is not a good choice, and how to redirect them so that biting is no longer an option!

Causes of Biting:

Biting is usually a discovery learning technique that begins around 1 year of age.  It is during the time of teething and "everything in their mouth" stage which are both normal behaviors.  For children with minimal verbal skills, certain triggers (such as a child being frustrated because another child took their toy away) make biting a primitive form of communication for young children.  After 2-3 years of age, it then becomes a deliberate learned behavior.  It is best to stop and prevent it from happening early and at the beginning stages.

A Few Tips:

Step 1:  Establish a RULE.  Whenever you see your child biting, always redirect using words to explain. Parent would say:  "We do not bite.  That hurts people. We only bite food."

Step 2:  Remove the child who is the biter away from the situation.  Redirect as necessary.

Step 3:  Always be consistent in your approach to redirecting your child when biting occurs.  State to child "it is not a good choice, we do not bite, it hurts people," and begin engaging them in something else to redirect their attention from what, or who, they were wanting to bite.

Step 4:  If they have a urge to always want to bite, give them a teething toy that is dedicated for them to use to bite on when they are feeling the need to bite.

Step 5:  Show them that biting hurts.  Kids learn through experience and their senses.  Therefore, biting is a way of learning for them.  Feeling what biting is will help a young child learn that "the experience" of biting may not be desirable anymore. Model how biting hurts on yourself.

Step 6:  Build their vocabulary.  While saying "we do not bite" as you are correcting your child from biting someone or something that should not be, touch their mouth with your finger so they can learn through senses that the word "bite" means "using their mouths."  You can also show your child (modeling) what "biting" is by making your mouth do the motion while you are saying "no bite."

Step 7:  Give consequences.  As your child gets a little older (2 and up), and they are still wanting to bite, set an expectation that if they are to bite someone or something they are not supposed to, they will be given a consequence such as time-out (1 minute per age of child) or they will have to leave the play-date because they were biting their friends.

Step 8:  Do not worry!  Most children do grow out of the habit of biting by 3 years of age, if not earlier.  As mentioned before, biting is a way for a young child to learn and experience.  They do not have the comprehension at such a young age to understand that their actions (biting) causes hurtful reactions (mark, bruise, or breaking of the skin on someone).

Step 9:  Prevention:  The best time to stop a biting behavior from becoming a habit is when it first starts.  Be sure not to laugh when he/she bites and that no one treats it like a game.  Never give-in to your child's demands because of biting.

JUST REMEMBER THE MOST IMPORTANT TIP TO REDIRECTING A BITER:  Always teach them WHY we do not bite (it is not a good choice) and HOW it feels (it hurts).  For a young child consistently hearing and learning these two things, will help their process of growth to understand the negative consequences behind biting.

5 Ways to Deal with TANTRUMS!

Tantrums:  A way for a young child to let out frustration or a feeling of anger.  

As parents, we all have had to deal with our set of tantrums.  Most say it is "terrible twos" and some say "oh no no no, it is "terrible three's".  Though really, it is NOT terrible at all, if you know how to handle the twos and threes stages of development.  First you need to know HOW a young child learns, then understand the WHY.  Knowing both of these things as a parent, will help you DEAL with the tantrum and figure out ways to stop it or solve it.

HOW a young child learns:
Children learn by doing.  They learn by experiencing.  A young child figures out their life around them by being involved in the process.  If they get upset, what do they know how to do?  Nothing really, but react.  A reaction could be throwing a tantrum.  This is because they do not have the tools yet necessary to express their frustration and anger in a mature way.  A young child thinks: "If I throw a tantrum, mommy and daddy will see that I am upset, and they love me and will help me."  That is why it is our job as parents to give them the tools to learn and understand how to react to their frustration and anger in  other ways, other than throwing tantrums.  We have to teach them why tantrums are NOT okay, and how to express themselves in an acceptable manner.  This is the experience that WE as PARENTS have to set for our children, to build life-long learning skills.

WHY a young child reacts in such a way:

They crave for attention.  They love you.  They want you to pay attention to their needs, as much as they need you to.  Therefore, giving into tantrums allows the child to feed into that attention, resulting in making the tantrums worse later on in life and not allowing for the child to learn the life-long lesson of  "just because you throw a fit, doesn't always mean you're going to get your way."

Here are 5 options for dealing with tantrums so you can raise successful, resilient life-long learners.

1.  Ignore the tantrum!!!

Unless your child is in harm or an environment that is unsafe, ignoring the behavior is a great solution.  It does not feed into the attention that they crave, which for a tantrum, is negative attention.  Rather, giving them neither negative or positive attention for the tantrum will teach them that undesired behavior is a waste of their time because it does not allow for positive time with mommy and daddy.

2.  State your expectations!!!

Once the tantrum starts, say what you mean, short and sweet and fast!  Such as:  "This behavior is not okay. When you calm down, we can talk about why you are upset!"  Don't forget parents, it is a GREAT idea to talk to your 2 year old in "an adult-like" way.  Speak to them like mini-adults.  Use big words to set expectations.  I always tell my parents of students:  "If you treat them like mini-adults, they will act like mini-adults.  If you treat it like a baby, they will act like a baby."  This doesn't mean they are not babies, they are only 2 years old!  But, for desired behavior, setting higher expectations for your child, is actually a gift to them.

3.  Redirection!

Depending on what your child is throwing a tantrum about, if it is something minor (like wanting a toy at the store and you choosing not to buy it for them); redirect child to take their focus elsewhere.  Such as saying: "we can not buy the toy, but you can help me put the groceries on the checkout and EARN a piece of candy by helping."

4.  Role-Modeling

Teach your child by SHOWING them how to handle their frustrations by using techniques to calm down.  Such as breathing in and out with their mouths, sitting down and talking about their feelings ("using your words"), or using a soft object to squeeze on (pillow, ball) to release frustration physically.  Remember, these techniques are best to teach before a tantrums occurs, not during the tantrum.  If your child is in the middle of throwing a tantrum, state your expectations to child and then ignore it.  When they are done and calmed down, then use these techniques to teach.

5.  Explain to child and Consistency

Talk with your child about WHY a tantrum is not okay with you and ways to express themselves when they are upset or frustrated.  Be consistent when every tantrum occurs.  Eventually, if you ignore your child's tantrums long enough and teach them ways to handle their frustrations, they will have learned how to be self-sufficient in handling their own emotions and will have built respect for you as their parents to talk about their feelings, getting positive attention from you, rather than immaturely throw a fit to get your attention.

"It is better to raise children who know how to make mistakes, and learn from those; rather than know how to make mistakes and be pitied for them."