5 Ways to Deal with TANTRUMS!

Tantrums:  A way for a young child to let out frustration or a feeling of anger.  

As parents, we all have had to deal with our set of tantrums.  Most say it is "terrible twos" and some say "oh no no no, it is "terrible three's".  Though really, it is NOT terrible at all, if you know how to handle the twos and threes stages of development.  First you need to know HOW a young child learns, then understand the WHY.  Knowing both of these things as a parent, will help you DEAL with the tantrum and figure out ways to stop it or solve it.

HOW a young child learns:
Children learn by doing.  They learn by experiencing.  A young child figures out their life around them by being involved in the process.  If they get upset, what do they know how to do?  Nothing really, but react.  A reaction could be throwing a tantrum.  This is because they do not have the tools yet necessary to express their frustration and anger in a mature way.  A young child thinks: "If I throw a tantrum, mommy and daddy will see that I am upset, and they love me and will help me."  That is why it is our job as parents to give them the tools to learn and understand how to react to their frustration and anger in  other ways, other than throwing tantrums.  We have to teach them why tantrums are NOT okay, and how to express themselves in an acceptable manner.  This is the experience that WE as PARENTS have to set for our children, to build life-long learning skills.

WHY a young child reacts in such a way:

They crave for attention.  They love you.  They want you to pay attention to their needs, as much as they need you to.  Therefore, giving into tantrums allows the child to feed into that attention, resulting in making the tantrums worse later on in life and not allowing for the child to learn the life-long lesson of  "just because you throw a fit, doesn't always mean you're going to get your way."

Here are 5 options for dealing with tantrums so you can raise successful, resilient life-long learners.

1.  Ignore the tantrum!!!

Unless your child is in harm or an environment that is unsafe, ignoring the behavior is a great solution.  It does not feed into the attention that they crave, which for a tantrum, is negative attention.  Rather, giving them neither negative or positive attention for the tantrum will teach them that undesired behavior is a waste of their time because it does not allow for positive time with mommy and daddy.

2.  State your expectations!!!

Once the tantrum starts, say what you mean, short and sweet and fast!  Such as:  "This behavior is not okay. When you calm down, we can talk about why you are upset!"  Don't forget parents, it is a GREAT idea to talk to your 2 year old in "an adult-like" way.  Speak to them like mini-adults.  Use big words to set expectations.  I always tell my parents of students:  "If you treat them like mini-adults, they will act like mini-adults.  If you treat it like a baby, they will act like a baby."  This doesn't mean they are not babies, they are only 2 years old!  But, for desired behavior, setting higher expectations for your child, is actually a gift to them.

3.  Redirection!

Depending on what your child is throwing a tantrum about, if it is something minor (like wanting a toy at the store and you choosing not to buy it for them); redirect child to take their focus elsewhere.  Such as saying: "we can not buy the toy, but you can help me put the groceries on the checkout and EARN a piece of candy by helping."

4.  Role-Modeling

Teach your child by SHOWING them how to handle their frustrations by using techniques to calm down.  Such as breathing in and out with their mouths, sitting down and talking about their feelings ("using your words"), or using a soft object to squeeze on (pillow, ball) to release frustration physically.  Remember, these techniques are best to teach before a tantrums occurs, not during the tantrum.  If your child is in the middle of throwing a tantrum, state your expectations to child and then ignore it.  When they are done and calmed down, then use these techniques to teach.

5.  Explain to child and Consistency

Talk with your child about WHY a tantrum is not okay with you and ways to express themselves when they are upset or frustrated.  Be consistent when every tantrum occurs.  Eventually, if you ignore your child's tantrums long enough and teach them ways to handle their frustrations, they will have learned how to be self-sufficient in handling their own emotions and will have built respect for you as their parents to talk about their feelings, getting positive attention from you, rather than immaturely throw a fit to get your attention.

"It is better to raise children who know how to make mistakes, and learn from those; rather than know how to make mistakes and be pitied for them."